So there’s this script I’ve written for a short video of “Pepe Silvia,” but with Steven Universe and Lars.

Ive decided I don’t have the time to do this project, so if anyone wants to use it as an animation, comic, or whatever, they can.

PEPE SILVIA

Steven walks into office with Lars acting stressed out.

STEVEN

Those are guys are onto me, Lars. I am so stressed out. I think I’m having a panic attack!

LARS

You wanna talk about stress? Talking about STRESS? Yeah.

Lars places his finger on Steven’s chest.

LARS

There’s a conspiracy that I’ve stumbled upon, so how’s that for stress?!

STEVEN

What the hell are you talking about?

LARS

This company's being bled like a stuffed pig, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Follow me.

STEVEN

”Steve?” What?

Lars takes a puff of his smoke, and heads to his desk.

LARS

Check this out

STEVEN

…….Jesus Christ, Lars!

Piles of letters and paper are surrounding Lars’ desk. Multiple coworkers names have been written on the wall with sharpie ink.

LARS

THIS is the mail! Now can we talk about the mail, Steven, I’ve been dying to talk about the mail with you all day. Please, Steve?

STEVEN

(Whisper) What is wrong with you?

LARS

The name “Lapis Lazuli” has been appearing in my mail box. Every day Lapis’ mail is being sent to me. ALL THE TIME! LAPIS LAZULI!! LAPIS LAZULI!! Why this whole BOX IS JUST LAPIS LAZULI!!

So, I say to myself, I’ve gotta find him, I gotta put the mail IN THE GUY’S goddamn hands, otherwise he’s never gonna get it. It’ll just keep getting sent down here.

Steven looks confused.

LARS

So, I go up to his office, and what do I find out??!….. there is no Lapis Lazuli. The man does not exist. So, I choose to think “Oooooh SHIT, Lars, I gotta dig a little deeper. There’s no Lapis Lazuli, you gotta be kidding, I GOT BOXES FULL OF LAPIS!!”

So, I march my ass down to Connie in HR!! And I know on her door, and I’m yelling “CONNIEEE, CONNIEEE!! I gotta talk to you about Lapis!” And when I open the door, what do I find there’s not a single goddamn desk in that office, there IS! NO! CONnie in HR…..

Nothing. Half the employees in this office have been made up! This office is a goddamn ghost town.

Steven slaps himself in the face. He uncovers his face to speak.

STEVEN

Lars, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do ALL these people exist, but they’ve been asking for their mail for weeks now. THATS ALL THEY TALK ABOUT UP THERE, Dear God, we are gonna lose our jobs!

LARS

Well, calm down, because there’s one thing that’s not gonna happen……

STEVEN

What?

LARS

We’re not gonna get fired….

STEVEN

We’re not???

LARS

Because we’ve already been fired.

Steven’s mouth gapes open in shock.

STEVEN

We’ve lost our jobs??!?

LARS

Yep. About three days ago, a couple of pink slips came in the mail, one for you and one for Lars. So, what did I do, but send them HALFWAY to Siberia!

STEVEN

Lars, if we lost our jobs, that means we lost our health insurance, meaning all this shit was for nothing! FUCKS SAKE, I’m having a panic attack, I’m ACTUALLY having a panic attack!

GULP

LARS

Look, would you just get yourself another cup of coffee?

STEVEN

I am, dude!

LARS

Ok, look, Garnet, could you give Steve here a cigarette?

STEVEN

Would you stop calling me Garnet… Wait, who?

LARS

Garnet, he’s the guy that tipped me off to Lapis Lazuli…

STEVEN

GARNET? Who the hell is Garnet?

LARS

YOU CAN’T SEE- oh shit. Where’d he……

STEVEN

You’ve lost your mind, you’ve lost your GODDAMN MIND, LARS!!!

AMETHYST

Steven!

Steve turns around. Amethyst in a suit comes around the corner.

AMETHYST

Who the hell are you talking to?

Steven looks back at Lars. He’s gone out the window.

AMETHYST

Wait, is that the missing mail??!

Steven slaps himself in the face.

STEVEN

Goddamn it, Lars.